My babylove turns 11 today!!!

Today is my baby's birthday.  He's 11 years old!   I am amazed that 11 years has gone by.   What a good kiddo he has turned into. 

School starts on the 9th of September.  I'm looking forward to a new year.   Ethan will be entering 5th grade this year!  I remember when I was in 5th grade!!!  How can this be that I have a kid who is in 5th?   Unreal.  I ordered the kids new curriculum's and they should be arriving this week.

I got my first pedicure yesterday!!  A guy named Lee did it for me at the nail salon.   He was very funny and I will definitely ask for him when I return.  I loved that my feet got nice and smooth and felt so great afterwards.  I cut my hair again too.  It's okay... kinda dumb looking, but whatever. It's off my neck. 

Today my brother came by and we had a nice visit.  We had ice cream sundaes haha well we did, he didn't really eat the ice cream just some toppings haha.  It was fun overall. 

I wasn't feeling so good all day health wise but, pushed through it.  Tuesday is right around the corner and I'll find out more info then.  ::sighs::  It's like a damn nightmare, one I can't wake from. 

Bladder surgery??

So, it's finally cloudy and windy outside!! yay!   I love it and hope it stays this way for days. Even if it rains I'll be happy.  The best part is that it's finally COOL!!

Of course with the sweet there comes the sour.

So, I have severe carpel tunnel in both wrists.  It's severe enough that it causes both my hands to be numb.  I need surgery on both hands to fix this.   SO I made a date for surgery for this Friday (tomorrow).  I had to get a pre-op appt. with my PCP for the surgery.
Did that...... but since I have been having some separate bladder issues.... my PCP didn't want me to get the wrist surgery done until I got the bladder thing taken care of.   So she made me go get an ultrasound to find out what was causing it.
So this past Tuesday I got the ultrasound done.

So, the carpel tunnel surgery people called me this morning to tell me that my PCP told them I couldn't have the surgery. (which I knew) and that I couldn't make a future date to have it done because my PCP told them that I'll be needing "bladder surgery".    Say WHA??

So... I had to call my PCP to ask about this NEW unknown info i heard and am now waiting to find out if I do in fact need surgery of which wasn't told to me yet.  Hoping not.

:( 

Nostalgic

1am and I'm up. 

One of those nights.  The kind where you'd give anything to be held. To be touched. To be kissed.  To be loved. 

I have none of those things happening right now and as it stands, at the moment, it doesn't look like that's going to change any time soon. 

So, I'm left here trying not to think about the giant pink elephant in the room. 

But hey, it's okay, at least I'm not with a guy who treats me like shit, and who pretends to love me, only to use me for sex and a free meal.   At least I'm here with my family, and my kids are happy.  Right?

It's just every now and again...... When I'm sleep deprived and lonely,  I begin to dwell on my past...... and begin to miss that old feeling. I long for it honestly.  Those butterflies in your stomach feeling.   The feeling you get when your hand accidentally touches the guy, who you're so madly in love with....just for a moment.  The feeling you get when you catch the guys eye who you're completely smitten with, and you can't stop smiling like a fool as you look away.  Yeah.........THAT feeling.   I miss it. I miss it a lot actually.  

The only way for me to deal with the absence of it, is by living in my past.  And reliving my favorite most romantic moments.  Thankfully I have a fair few and some in particular are my saving grace on nights like this.  I consider myself lucky to have had true love in my life, if only once and only short lived.  I just wish I had done things differently, and wonder what would have been if I had. 

I don't do this often hahaha as we all know, playing the "what if" game only ends in sorrow.    But for fun sometimes I enjoy wondering.  Even if it's pointless. 

So, I'll go to bed now... I guess and hope to dream of my past.   Who knows...... maybe I"ll get lucky.  :)

Biding my time on a waiting list.

So, I decided not to accept the apartment I've been longing after.  Mainly because I'm on a waiting list for a subsidized apartment and I'm number 13! on the list!!
AND it's a 3 bedroom AND everything is included in the rent!!  Here are some pictures of the place.

The front yard

The back yard

The Living room

One of the 3 bedrooms!! :)

                                             










 and the kitchen

So, I'm excited!   :)

Aside from that, I'll be having surgery on both my wrists on the 30th of August due to severe carpel tunnel.  I am trying to get all my boxes moved up to the garage from the cellar before then because my wrists will be pretty sore until once I have the surgery.

Fun fun.

So that's my status as of today. 

And away we go

A quick visit to Boston.  The ride was very pleasant due to the beautiful day.  My dad seems to be doing better.  No surgery... at least not yet.  They are still running more tests.  So, we're back home.   I want to do so much because of the nice cool weather, but all I really want to do is take a nap.   I'll see I guess, just glad to be home.  I could never live in the city, too stressful for my tastes.

Somersworth

New Day.

Heard from my dad. He's the same as yesterday.  They still can't find where he's bleeding from.  They are doing some type of scope test today (I think).   Anyways, not much more to report on that.

To occupy my mind, I found a new apartment.  It's in Somersworth NH. but it seems really nice.  So, today my mom agreed to take me for a showing.  I'm not 100% loving this however.  Both my kids will be with me and, ...... it's just not ever a good thing.  Not to mention I reeeally didn't want to move back to the Dover area.  I like it here.  But... I have to expand my search I guess.  :(

Anyways the guys has a VERY short showing window from 12:30 to 1pm.  Ridiculous to be honest.  ::sighs::  We'll see what happens I guess.  I'm semi-excited.

So that's it for now.  

Is that the best you can do? Toss some more balls my way, what the hell!

Not the best day.   Long hours in the hospital.  That alone is stressful.  Hopefully tomorrow we'll know more about what's going on.  

My dad had to be brought to the ER today.  Again, he was bleeding internally and had congestive heart failure.  ::sighs::  They can't seem to stop the bleeding as they don't know exactly where it is.

But that's okay,.....I'll just add this one more ball in the air, what the hell, it's not like I don't have 100 floating in the air already.   :(

Off to bed. UGH

Stabbing the sun

 I'm not sure what's worse the rain or the sun.   Both equally depressing.  
Yesterday it rained all day.  Although I normally don't mind the rain, I felt very cooped up all day and it made for a long and frustrating day.  Only a few rays of light made the day perk up for me, but sadly they were short lived.

Today is the complete opposite. The sun is blaring out happily outside making me want to stab it.  Normally I'd be okay with it, but it's muggy as hell here and I hate muggy weather.  So, once again I feel cooped up.  That coupled with being bored out of my mind is not helping.  Kids are being decent for now. Although the calls of motherhood are there with lunch requests already being made.  Not there at all however and I just dread having to cook. UGH

Last night I had a strange dream I guess, as I woke up with a racing heart and immensely sad with tears and everything.  So stupid.  Made me feel like a complete idiot, because of the type of dream I had.  No, I'm not sharing it....but I will say this, it was a dream of a past love that apparently is in my subconscious to my surprise.  Very frustrating and I thought I was over this nonsense, I mean really it's been years.  Most annoying.

Anyhow, on a brighter note.. oh wait, I don't have a brighter note to end this on right now.  Oh well.   I'm just going to go and grooveshark it up I guess. :)

What IS it!!

Just woke up.  My heart is racing and my eyes are teary.  I'm unsure if I had a bad dream or what.   I feel sad.... but without reason.  I hate this.  Tried getting a drink to shake the feeling but, it's not going away. Figured I'd go online for a bit.

These are the times when being alone kinda sucks. 

What a nerd!!

Dying laughing at myself this morning.  What a complete nerd I am!!  OMG, I'd delete my last entry but I feel I deserve humiliation for even writing it, let alone posting it.   Sadly this is not a first "crush" by any means and it will not be a last.  I have a slew of past "crushes"  that I've had and the list is neverending.  It's just sad. haha

So to further my humiliation I have to show you a picture of my current crush.  WHY????  Well, because I remembered what I forgot to include in my post.  Ummm the NAME of the actor who I'm currently infatuated with.  Jeremy Sumpter!!

So, here's the movie that got me hooked on this cutie.  Peter Pan.    Yes, I'm serious and NO I'm not a perv!!    I saw the movie and my first thoughts on it were, when this kid grows up he's going to be so amazing!  He has the ability to flirt at THIS age, imagine when he gets older!! OMG!   And YES he was flirting in the movie, and yes.... he was only a kid!  Anyways.... yeah. haha

I got a crush.. ::Sighs::

Okay so like it's 2am and I'm up.  But I'm really okay with this.   I'm going through a very stupid phase right now.  It's been a couple weeks actually and it's really silly and embarrassing.   Since I've already mentioned this to my one friend haha, figured maybe if I get this out of my system I"ll get past it faster.

I have a stupid crush on an actor, there I said it.  My crushes don't last long thankfully but I tend to get obsessive about them when they do hit me.   I need to watch or buy ALL of the movies they were ever in.   I have to write them a letter and get an autograph.  Yes, seriously, I've not mailed mine yet due to not having a a large envelope YET.   So,... yeah that's what I've been doing, IF you were wondering.  Well not ALL I've been doing.  This is the shit that keeps me sane in between all the other crap.

I have a MILLION balls in the friggen air at the moment.  I'm very nervously waiting to hear back from an apartment complex down the street.  I'm very anxious and it's driving me a bit mad to tell the truth.   I'm still saving up for the security deposit and was reminded by my Mom about me having to register and inspect my car.  ::SIGH:: Hope to god it doesn't need fixing because there's more money if it does.  Ethan's stutter is getting worse and Eric is complaining about it now.  My Mom's birthday is coming up soon and I'm so broke.  And Ethan's birthday is at the end of this month and I'm so not prepared for it.   So... yeah, it's not fun

So, if I want to have a crush on an actor then so be it.  I will god damnit! hahaha  He's 24 years old now so shut up.   I'm not THAT much older, thank god. 14 years isn't bad... I mean unless I was a whore or something I couldn't have been his mom.  So, that's okay right?  OF COURSE IT IS!!  Besides it's not like I"ll ever meet him in person much less anything else. So it's okay.

hahahahh   What do you people want it's 2 in friggen morning!  I just killed a mammoth moth.   I feel like I've forgotten to write something important but am too lazy to reread what I've written so far.  So... suppose I'll hit the sack.   For now... I dream.... And if I'm lucky it'll be of him!  YAY!   Yes I AM acting like a 12 year old love struck puppy, so shut up now. hahahhah