1am and I'm up.
One of those nights. The kind where you'd give anything to be held. To be touched. To be kissed. To be loved.
I have none of those things happening right now and as it stands, at the moment, it doesn't look like that's going to change any time soon.
So, I'm left here trying not to think about the giant pink elephant in the room.
But hey, it's okay, at least I'm not with a guy who treats me like shit, and who pretends to love me, only to use me for sex and a free meal. At least I'm here with my family, and my kids are happy. Right?
It's just every now and again...... When I'm sleep deprived and lonely, I begin to dwell on my past...... and begin to miss that old feeling. I long for it honestly. Those butterflies in your stomach feeling. The feeling you get when your hand accidentally touches the guy, who you're so madly in love with....just for a moment. The feeling you get when you catch the guys eye who you're completely smitten with, and you can't stop smiling like a fool as you look away. Yeah.........THAT feeling. I miss it. I miss it a lot actually.
The only way for me to deal with the absence of it, is by living in my past. And reliving my favorite most romantic moments. Thankfully I have a fair few and some in particular are my saving grace on nights like this. I consider myself lucky to have had true love in my life, if only once and only short lived. I just wish I had done things differently, and wonder what would have been if I had.
I don't do this often hahaha as we all know, playing the "what if" game only ends in sorrow. But for fun sometimes I enjoy wondering. Even if it's pointless.
So, I'll go to bed now... I guess and hope to dream of my past. Who knows...... maybe I"ll get lucky. :)
