Today is my little Sister's birthday!!!!! YAY!!!

Today is my little sister's birthday.  Her and her boyfriend are dropping by today, along with my little brother.  My mom is making lasagna! mmm    It should be a lot of fun!  She making a yummy zucchini bread/cake for her birthday cake! YAY!

I mean seriously, she was so freakin' cute!!   Looks like she's playing air guitar! haha

As for me I'm sippin' on some hot coffee and watching my ducks quack out the window.  It's a cool crisp autumn day and the sun is shining down from the blue sky.  My kiddos are off playing.  I've decided to give them the day off of school, due to their Aunt and Uncle coming by which isn't that often.  They don't know yet. :D

Sadly, I found out last night that an old acquaintance of mine who'd been struggling to have a baby for the past 5 years or so and who recently got pregnant, lost her baby. :(   My heart goes out to her as I know myself I'd be devastated and I know she is heartbroken too.  

Friday I go to the Mass General Hospital to see my surgeon.  Due to several nights of insomnia, I'm extremely looking forward to this as I'm hoping it will put my mind at ease.  Just want this surgery over with.  :(

That's all now. 

Pills are good, pills are gooooood. hahah

Last night I couldn't sleep all night so tonight I took one of my xanex, plus 3 tylenol pms for tonight.  Yeah that ought to knock me out soon!

I'm sick of it.   Insomnia sucks!  I wouldn't mind it so much, but I gotta teach the kids in the morning and I need my rest to function and for patience!!   UGH.

Yeah they just kicked in...... I'll write a new blog in the morning IF I wake up hahah  hahahahhahah

Nighty Naaaaii zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Just me whining no one has to read this.

Another day passes.


... hm...


I've been blogging over 6 months now.  I'm not sure I see the big hype yet.  I mean, it's OKAY.  It's like talking to yourself though.   There's not much point in it honestly.  I do that too though haha.

Once in a blue moon and I mean in a VERY blue moon, I sometimes get a small comment about something I've written.  However, it's quite far and few between when that actually happens.  Maybe I write too much, or maybe what I write is too repetitive or boring?  I don't know, I mean, I know people who write blogs daily.  And they are no more interesting than MINE.  Or maybe they are and I just don't realize it.

What really is amazing to me is all the followers these other bloggers have!!  Not just random comments, but people who actually "follow" their blogs!!   I follow a few myself.   But in 9 months of blogging not a single follower has thought to follow me.
:(  and yes, I feel bad and pathetic.   Well I mean, wouldn't you??  

Don't get me wrong.... like at all!!!   I SO am not blogging for other people.  It's not about that, despite it sounding that way.   It's just,..... I dunno I guess I just was hoping to meet new people.  Or at least be able to chat with them.  Even if people HATED me or hated what I wrote about... Even THOSE people I'd talk to.  I just have no one to talk to.   Waah me! hahahahha

It's no wonder I cling to the first guy who gives me any attention.  It's not about jumping in too fast... it's about being SO lonely that I don't want to be .... well... where I am now.   Alone, completely alone.   Friendless and empty.

My Mom says I have to be happy with being alone.  Hm.  Yeah, well I'm not, and I never was as a kid.... and I can't fathom being that way in the future as an old person so....  I like my privacy, I like my alone time, don't get me wrong.   BUT  90% of the rest of the time I'd like social interaction.  (aside from Facebook).   Even on Facebook I'm barely socializing.  I talk to people maybe once or twice a week if that.  And, god love them, they're amazing people, but they are my relatives minus like 1 or 2 at most!!  ::sighs::  Maybe I'm being foolish I dunno.

Guess I should just go to bed.  School in the morning.  Night.

September

I have been blogging believe it or not,....... just not posting publicly my blogs.   Not sure why, just having a privacy breakdown I guess.  I feel better today about it though and so I figured I'd write.

September has been a pretty crazy month.   From learning I have a tumor/fibroid, to losing my wheels, starting the school year with the kids, having my storage unit not open due to something toppling over in it,  to having my oldest have an allergic reaction to something.  I honestly have had it stress wise.

On top of the stress, I've been feeling quite alone these days and wishing I knew more people to talk to, or to talk to me.  Being stuck without a car certainly doesn't help much either though.   Aside from that nonsense, I'm trying desperately to lose weight before my surgery.  However, being stressed with everything going on doesn't make for an easy weight loss at all and I feel like that old saying 1 step forward 2 steps back.  Yeah that's me and my weight loss.

Thankfully at least the weather has improved and the summer is finally leaving us.  I don't think I could take one more minute of that humidity.  It just kills me and makes me lethargic.

I'm trying to think of what else I could write about but that about covers everything.  I mean, that's really it.  Sad.

Nothing Trivial

How fast things can change in a blink of an eye.

All part of life I guess. 

I recently found out that I have a 10 centimeter tumor attached to my uterus. If you're not sure how big that is, it's the size of a baby's head.   Due to the side effects it's been giving me, I'm told that I need major surgery to remove it.

However.

Here's where it gets tricky.  

Because of my weight, my high blood pressure, and my sleep apnea, I am at very high risk for complications during surgery and also with general anesthesia.  Some of the risks include, infection, heart attack, blood clots, and a longer than usual time waking from anesthesia.  There are many more risks that I'm not naming.   

Along with all these risks comes another devastating part.  I will most likely need a hysterectomy.  

How am I coping you ask?  I'm not.  I'm numb, and I'm wishing it was all over.