May is gone June is here! :)

I've been here now for 1 month.   It's surreal being on my own again.  But in the BEST way ever. My only gripe is the family above me.  They have a 2 year old who is really out of control.  I'm certainly not one to point fingers at poor parenting, not by a long shot.  However, when it effects me and my kids, I tend to get a bit miffed.

She runs.   She runs all day and night long. Back, and forth and back and forth....... and back and forth.  Continuously without ever getting yelled at or told not to. But it's not just the running, it's the stomping, the jumping, the moving of heavy furniture, and the tantrums OH the tantrums.  Sometimes they are so disturbing I actually consider calling DCYF on them.  Yes, it can get THAT concerning at times.  It starts at 5am EVERY day, and doesn't end usually until 10pm sometimes later.

Other than that.  I love it here. It's big, it's clean, it's quiet well... other than that nonsense.  Sunny and bright, and that's all I need.  Well, I mean, a bed would be nice and maybe a cute kitchen table and some chairs ya know.. haha.. but all in time.

My ultimate goal is to move into my own house.  And, I'm getting there. Slowly but surely my credit is creeping up higher and higher!  I figure in a year or so, so long as I keep up my bills and such, I SHOULD be approved for a loan.  For now though, I need the basics.  Sleeping on a couch each night is no fun.  And I'm longing for a small table set.  First that, and then hopefully a car.  Nothing fancy mind you, just 4 wheels that can get me from here to there.

The boys have been enjoying it here too.  They've been extremely quiet and occupying themselves with books and puzzles.  Until just recently the video games and computer have been left on the back burner.   As for me, I've taken up a bit of indoor gardening. I have several different plants now and am rather enjoying them.
I feel kinda bad about  my mom having to constantly be picking me up to take me food shopping and such.  And also taking me to appointments.  This month has been so tight too, so I couldn't even offer her any gas money for all the help she's been freely giving me.  I know she understands, but I still feel bad.

So, that's what's been happening on my end.  May was far too hectic to blog so..... well I didn't.

We'll see how the next couple months go.  

The time has come, the time is NOW

The day has finally come.

I'm signing my lease this morning.  I'm pretty speechless to be honest. Pretty emotional about it too. But as I sit here listening to the clock strike 5:30am, I can't believe that it's one of the last mornings that I'll be hearing it chime.

My space is clear, my boxes are packed and sealed. It's all so surreal.

Thought I'd have more to say, but there's not much left to say except.... YAY! :D

Moving. Part II

The Moving saga continues.

So, yesterday, I got a call from the nice lady who I spoke with on Tuesday.  She called to let me know that everything is looking really good and that I just needed to sign an affidavit to verify my child support and she would fax it to me today.  She said, that all my other income checked out fine though and that she'd keep me posted.

Last night, I couldn't sleep.  I tossed and turned and eventually gave in to staying up.  When I finally decided to close my laptop, the last time I read was 4:58am.  I knew I was doomed for the day.  I hooked up my cell phone to the charger, being sure to keep the ringer on high so as to not miss her call when and if she called in the morning.

I fell asleep without wearing my stupid Cpap mask and was woken up by my own snores.  (pathetic and annoying)  As I went to roll over from my side to change positions, I immediately realized I hadn't moved from the position I fell asleep in and my right knee felt as though I broke it.  It immediately made my eyes open as the pain was incredible and not subsiding.   I decided to see what time it was and reached for my cell.

As I clicked the screen to turn on, nothing happened. I clicked it again, and nothing.  The damn phone had not been charging all night, despite me plugging it in, but why?  I sat up and howled out in pain forgetting that my knee was hurting, grabbed my glasses and threw them on.   Now angry, annoyed and in pain I reached down for the cord and found it not plugged in.   I sighed and feared I'd missed the call for sure. 

It's not like she couldn't or wouldn't call me back.  It's not that I couldn't call her back if she had called me and I didn't get the call.  It's just, I'm a spaz and want this nightmare over.  I want to know like NOW did I get the place or what.  So anything I can do to make this happen faster I'm going to do.   I quickly plug in my cell and see it light up.  It does it's little sign on thing and as my home screen loads, I see that it's only 8:30am.  Chances are she did not all yet.  Vey relieved, I decided to check my email. I grab my laptop and open it up.

Well, no email is good email I guess.  So I sit and try to wake up.  I sneezed and woke up Aiden who wakes up like someone shook him and says in an outdoor voice, "Hi mom.... umm I'm hungry".   Jesus, it's only 8:30am and you've JUST woken up like 2 seconds ago, give me a break!  Oh sorry, he says.  At that point, I realize I have an insane migraine and begin getting nauseous. Unable to help myself, I close my laptop, throw my cell  and my glasses haphazardly on the night stand and plop my head back down on the pillow. 

I immediately fell back to sleep for what seemed like 5 minutes when I little icy cold hands on my arm shaking me. It was Aiden, saying Mom... get up, get up mom you're phone is ringing!  Resisting the movement I try to ignore it and fall back to sleep.  I hadn't heard the end part of what he said, and only assumed he still wanted breakfast.  I began shooing him away with my hand when I heard a faint sound of music playing.  Realizing it was my cell I opened my eyes, and rolled over to get the cell.

I knocked the cell on the floor, which in the process had hit the ignore button.  As I pick up the cell, and roll my eyes, I'm both annoyed and relieved to find it was just a sales call.  I decide I should just stay up and checked the time.  It was 10:00!! I was in shock. 

Sitting up quickly, I was happy to see my headache had subsided some.  I decided to check my mail and get the kids started on school straight away.  However I saw that Ethan was already doing his school work, and Aiden was... well waiting for me.

No new emails, so I started to make breakfast first and then began schooling Aiden.  Half way through I got an email from the nice lady.  She sent me the affidavit and asked me to fill it out and send it back, which I promptly did.  She then informed me that all my landlord references came back fine and at this point I about fainted. 
This meant that the only thing I was waiting for was the criminal report.  And so I decided to be sure I wrote her and asked what else I was waiting on.  She said the report and also she had to hand all my info to her boss for the final decision but that it looked excellent. 

Now, while Mom celebrated this great news, exclaiming how I'm moving!!  I smiled and breathed a HUGE sigh of relief.   And, I feel confident about the rest of the process. However, as much as I want to celebrate I need that last 1/8 of a percent to be complete.   But, now the boys both know we're moving on the 1st of May.   Which is fine.  I'm pretty sure we will.   Just a waiting game that's all.

So... yes.. it's been a good day. Long, a bit stressful, but good, .....yeah good.

Falling off the roller-coaster!

I have a million things going on.  Well maybe not a million but it sure feels that way.  I guess I'll start with the biggest thing on my mind.

Moving.

So, I've been apartment hunting on and off now for almost 2 years. Living with my parents, my 2 boys, and recently my little brother. I actually enjoy it  here for the most part, but, it's time I move on and go back to raising the boys on my own.  However,  if I'm not turned down because I don't make enough, then it's my own choice to withdraw applications due to the place being really nasty after I go see it.  There's many stories and they all end with me sorrily walking back into my parents house, defeated and broken.  Only to have to pick myself up and try again.  

Until, a week ago.

In a moment of sheer madness from having an insane bout of cabin fever, I slapped open my laptop and stomped my fingers angrily on the keys pulling up page after page of low income housing.  Each one further and further away distance wise, than I wanted to actually live.  Feeling extremely frustrated I finally said, ya know what, who cares!!  And I printed out 8 separate applications for 8 separate complexes, filled all 8 out in one night.  Took me nearly 3 1/2 hours, but I did not care one bit.  That night, I decided to write to one of the places.  The one I liked the most.

This apartment was in Rochester NH. It's about 50 minutes away from where I live now.  It was a complex and was not low income, but the rent was low enough that I could afford and it included heat!!!  A huge bonus for me.  Anyways, I wrote this email asking her if I should include any proofs of income or anything to expedite the application process before mailing out the application the next day.  She promptly replied asking me what my income was.  I responded but got a huge let down when I found out I didn't make enough (again) to move there.  I sadly wrote her and told her thanks anyways, and that I understood.  But then....... something unexpected happened.

She wrote me back.

She said, she would be willing to work with me with my income, and that she'd like to speak to me on the phone the next day.   Finally, a glimmer of light!!!

I didn't get my hopes up too high of course, as I've had tons of let downs before.  But, I called the next day and she was very down to earth, yet truly professional at the same time.  Wanted me to come by and see the apartment.  Figuring I had nothing to lose, my mom drove me up to Rochester. This was a week ago to the day. 

The apartment complex was set back in a little rural neighborhood just off 125.  I was pleased with the location, and was happy the ride there wasn't too bad.   When I first arrived, I noticed there was a play ground and that excited me as the boys would love that!  The grounds were kept up nicely considering the season.  When I walked in, she immediately greeted me and we sat down to chat. She told me that she wanted to talk to her boss, but she thought that I could probably afford to move there.   She then took me to go see the actual apartment.  

The apartment was a dream come true.  The best part for me, was on the first floor. This is mega rare!  It's next door to the laundromat, another rarity.  But the best part was that, it was vacant.  :)

I loved the HUGE walk in closet in the master bedroom.  I adored the kitchen! It was just perfect in every way.   After falling in love with it..... as we walked back to the office, she then dropped a bomb on me that I SO was not expecting, it pretty much took my breath away and I lost the wind in my sail instantly. 

There was another person who put there application in BEFORE ME!

I think I actually stopped dead in my tracks.  

She told me not to be let down, that they hadn't been approved yet.  But, I knew it was over for me.  She said she'd get back to me in a week.  I rode back home, once again defeated.

Now, if I had any hope, this week would have been dragging a lot more than it did.  But, I didn't. so, the week went by at a reasonable pace of a 3 legged cockeyed donkey.  Finally yesterday morning the woman called me.  Her tone was quite pleasant but was meaningless to me.  She began saying her apologies for making me wait for a week.  Then she said that the other person that applied did not qualify for the apartment.

At this point, she had grabbed my complete attention and I could feel my heart start to pound in my ears. Trying to keep my cool, and not jump ahead, I allowed her to finish talking. She told me that the apartment was still available and that I am next on the list.  She then said that she wanted me to come in the next day (today) to fill out the paperwork to see if they could get me in the apartment "as soon as possible".  

I'm pretty sure, there was more she said, but after hearing that I think I somehow blacked out mentally out of sheer shock.  Naturally we made the trip up to Rochester earlier today.

I felt sick inside, waiting for when the other shoe would drop.  There always is something, there's always something that falls through, prevents me from getting the place.  What would it be this time?? My credit, my references, hmm...... I was so incredibly tense and anxious, I didn't even notice the drive there.

 Meeting her again today was just as pleasant.  She had me sign many papers, and then told me that if my criminal background check comes back clean, (which of course it will), then she can't see why I won't be moving in on the 1st of May!!  She even gave me my new address!!

She then brought me to see the apartment again.  :)  If possible, I fell even deeper in love with this place and didn't want to leave.  Now, I have to wait for her to call me on Monday. For the 100% I definitely have this apartment call.  No pressure though.

Despite all my writing I really have no words.  And, let's not forget this is just ONE of the millions of things I have going on.  YEAH, not too much right?

My new, favorite WORD!!

So, I have a new favorite word!  

WANDERLUST

I love it. I love it so much.  The sound of it, the meaning of it. Oh yeah the meaning. It truly does define me. 

So yeah, I love it. Figured I'd share it. 

Kinda giddy tonight, for no good reason.

Night night all.

Wasn't sure if I ever shared my love for travelling?  But, figured now is as good a time as any. I'll soon have a nice list of places I want to go and will share that soon too.  (I have the list but not typed out just yet.)  I've been making a list of places for a while, just never thought to put them all together.  Am quite excited, and look forward to the future when I'll be able to make my dreams a reality!!

Dragonforce, Line dancing and dreams of Travelling

So, lately I've been thinking about my past interests.  One of them being traveling.  There are SOOOOOOOOO many places I still want to go to that are on my bucket list.   And in just 8 short years I WILL begin making it happen.  Why 8 years?  Well, in 8 years both my kids will be 18 or older.  Which will free me up to do my own thing.  I've seen how fast 12 years has gone by, so I know 8 years is a blink away from now. :)

So, this afternoon while waiting for my laptop to get diagnosed with nothing.  Grrrr, I spent the day writing down all the places I wanted to visit.  Before I knew it, I had a pretty long list of places on my paper.  I have several countries I want to go to, and tons of landmarks in each.  I also found many places that I want to go see in the US too!!  Nonetheless I'm so excited by this and want to begin learning about all the places I am interested in seeing.

Nothing more exciting to me that finding new things to do with my free time.  This is one of those times that I can't wait to begin.  I am going to go to the library tomorrow to start my research. 

         So, late tonight, me and Ethan were up together after Aiden fell asleep. He as astounded to learn of all my music tastes.  He thought I only listened to soft rock or girly music as he put it.  haha  I love how the mind of an 11 year old works.  When he found out that I loved many of the bands that he does, he kinda just was in awe and sat across the room staring at me, as if I was a stranger to him.  I finally said to him, just because I don't allow you to listen to certain music, doesn't mean I hate it, it just means you're too young to be listening to the lyrics at this time.   He now truly understands and seems to respect my wishes a little more.  :)

While listening to music together, I remembered how much I used to love country line dancing!!  I mean I really loved it.  I used to line dance waay back when I lived in WA. State. I remember, that after work, I'd go to this hall and practice with several other people.  It was a LOT of fun and a lot of movement.  But, it was the first time I began to appreciate SOME country music.  I emphasis some! I'm not a big fan in general at all, but can tolerate some just because I had so much fun dancing to it back in the day.  As I was remembering that time, it made me wish I could do it again.  However, lacking the mobility, I most likely will have to add that to my bucket list as well.  ::sighs:: ahh well.

So yes, just catching up.   LOVE Fridays! 

The Morning

 New day new morning.

Kids are juuuust stirring. I've been holding in a cough as to not wake them.  It's Wednesday. Hump day.  School Day.  Quite frustrating.  Woke up at 6:30 to pee and could not go back to sleep.

Today will be filled with going to the stupid credit union to fix my account because they are useless. Calling more hopeful apartments and Finish filling out my apartment applications.  I think I'll go downstairs and make or have some coffee.

I'm stressed and it's not even 8am yet.  UGH

The VERY EX-HUSBAND

I just hate him.



The hate that I feel for him consumes me at times.   Like right now.

EVERY fiber of my body, every breath I take in and exhale,....... hates him.

All I see is black.
Every muscle in me is tensed up even my jaw is clenched,...and I just hate him.

And I hate him for making me hate him.

Because, I don't hate people in general. I have a high tolerance for people overall.  So, when I am brought to the wrath of hate, as he brings me to so often lately, it truly is retched. 

I feel that hate is a super strong emotion, and an awful one at that. However... he seems to bring out the worst in me.  He makes me question my own sanity for EVER being remotely attracted to ANY part of him in ANY way shape or form.
 Truly I believe I was completely insane during the year I met him.  For many reasons, not just the being with him part.

 I made some STUPID choices, mistakes and I only have my foolish self to blame.  It is the one thing in life I am forever regretful and remorseful of.  

My life would be so different now.  Better for sure.  Instead.... I'm where I am.  GOD I hate him.







 

Here comes the.... what!

Today my ex-husband got re-married.   To be completely honest,  it is meaningless to me as I really truly never had feelings towards him deep enough to stay married to him or try to.    I have to say though that all can I think about is the person he has chosen to wed. 

Let me begin by saying that in no way am I one to throw stones about looks.  Truly not  at all.  However, this isn't about looks, it's about having respect for oneself.  It's about my son, my 11 year old HIGHLY impressionable son.   This new step-mom, the whole concept is hard for me to digest.  She seems to have no morals, or common decency.   She's horrifyingly crude, vulgar and obscene with all her Facebook posts.  It only makes me cringe to think what she must be like in person.  As I have no had the "pleasure" of meeting this person. 

Where to start?   Hm.... well, she has a tongue ring that she enjoys showing off in pictures which usually include a very vulgar comment. Her sense of humor is beyond obscene and her choice in expression is, just not child friendly.  I suppose having no children.... well yet, she doesn't know any better.  I guess??  Before I had children however, I never would dream of acting the way she does though. 

So today is her wedding day.  You think, flowers, wedding dress, walking down the aisle, you think, exchanging vows, bridesmaids, reception, love, respect.  Most people do anyways, I mean, at least that's what I always thought, that's the general theme of a wedding.  I mean,..... isn't it??

Okay, so this evening, as I was wondering if my ex-husband actually followed through with the wedding today as he told me about earlier this week.  I checked out his facebook page and there was nothing new on it, except I DID notice HER profile picture had changed. So, I clicked on it as it was too small to read and I opened it big and this is what is said:

 

 

I'll let you all digest that now.

And let your eyebrows come down a few inches. 

 

I had no words either.

I still don't.

All I think about is my son.

And how he is now going to be exposed to this type of mentality every other weekend.

And there's not a damn thing I can do about it.

And, I'm just sick inside.

And I just know they'll breed. :(  UGH

 

 

Sliding back in time...

I'm in a good mood.   I've been in one actually all day and it's been this way for a while now.  The weird part is that not much has changed. Still living at home, still without a car, and yet, I wake up psyched!  It's crazy. I mean I'm not even able to see my friends.  And yet I'm okay with that.   It's weird... I should be all like sad and lonely and stuff but, instead... I'm fine.

My new addiction is getting my teeth worked on.  I know that sounds odd but, I'm looking forward to my first of TWO yes two cleanings in I don't know how long.  I finally am able to afford dental insurance, not that it's as much as I originally thought but still.  So, little by little, my toofies are getting fixed. ;)  Oh and PS. love my new dentist!

Today I literally came up with my own awesome recipe!!  It's a sauce more than a recipe that is SO versatile that I am in awe of myself.   What it is you ask?  I don't have a name for it yet but, it's soo good!  Maybe I'll post it on my food website soon!!   If you like spicy this is for you!!  If you don't, well this is STILL for you, like I said it's versatile!! It has bacon, chili powder, cumin, jalapenos, garlic cream cheese, cheddar cheese, parsley, and chicken broth.  It's out of this world!

Let's see what else what else. I am so proud of myself!  I fixed my old relic computer to run Ethan's new curriculum!!  Yippee!  I am impressed with myself really I am.  I mean, it's Windows XP but it's dead slow and is extremely temperamental.  Probably not the best choice for his school work but, ehh, if it kicks the bucket he can use my laptop.  We'll see though.

What's coming up anything fun... uahhhhh  {{{thinking}}}  Winter break~!  and ordering a new curriculum for Ethan. Plus saving for dental visits, and everything else..... yeah that's about it I think.   Anyways, I'm off to bed.  Also I've been enjoying reminiscing on my Facebook these past few days.   It's been fun sliding back in time.   

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

New Years Eve!!  I promised myself from last year I would NOT celebrate with the kids this year.   Last year, I bought the horns, the hats, the plastic champagne glasses, the mock champagne, the goofy 2013 glasses, and the poppers!  I bought snacks and set up my laptop to stream the ball drop.  And what happened when I called my kids down to count down.  I got:  "Nahh I'm all set ma"  from my oldest.  And "Um well, do I haveta?"  from my youngest.  Needless to say I was frustrated and disappointed with them both.  So, I did what anyone would do in my situation.  I put on my party hat, my glasses pour a glass of mock champagne, and popped a popper while I counted down by myself all alone in the room til midnight.


SO THIS year, I refused to do that.    This year, instead I decided to make appetizers for everyone. Long story short,  I spent too much money, and made WAY too much food.  Well unless I was having a crowd come over that is.  Which I didn't.   In fact I did so much that I ended up falling asleep for 2 hours before the ball dropped as I couldn't help myself.   I did ended up watching the ball drop, and actually did it with the boys as they begged and pleaded to stay up this time.  I think they learned their lesson.

So I took pictures of SOME of the food I made.  I say some because I made more just didn't have the energy to snap another picture.  Next year, as I told a friend, a bag of CHIPS.  That's it. haha Because this was ridiculous.

It started out so simple:  Ham and cheese finger rolls and green olive cream cheese stuffed celery.
Already I did WAY too much as there was just me, my mom and my dad.  The kids don't count as they didn't want anything.

Did that stop me?  Nope.  I continued cooking.

Next I made mini wieners wrapped in croissants with a zesty dipping sauce.  Trust me when I say there were TONS more.  This was just a few I threw in a plate for the picture. It was insane how much I made.

Then I made a nice cheese and cracker plate up using 3 different cheeses.

Did I stop there? Not even close.

Next I made spinach balls. They are MUCH better then they sound.  That was one of the things I didn't take a picture of.  Here's KINDA what they would look like I guess. 

Then I realized I had lots of left over mini weiners and so I wrapped maple bacon around each one and put it in a baking dish, I covered them all with a pound of brown sugar and baked it til the sugar melted into a syrup.  I know it wasn't healthy but... MAN was it ever good!  (yeah the front ones needed to cook longer and after I snapped this pic I put those ones back in.)

Did it stop there?  NOPE.

More I tell you I wanted MORE!!  I think something is wrong with me. hahah

I wanted shrimp!  So, I bought one of those round shrimp things with the shrimp sauce in the center. And also made from scratch stuffed shrimp!! OMG it was fabulous!!  (again didn't take a pic of it, but this is what it looked like)

But wait there's more!  Seriously.

My mom made crab meat appetizers too!  They were sooo good.  here's what they look like: 

And that was the last thing.

I know......... yes I know.  I don't know what I was thinking.... But, it's all good. hahah

So, as I said earlier, next New Years Eve I'm having a bag of chips, and that's it. hah :)